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dan shapiro

Dan Shapiro’s Stories From “We Rule”


Once upon a time we did a P. Fanatics on Easter. It was a great show – a team-up with Two Cookie Minimum.

Nobody showed up.

Jesus had upstaged us. Again. We recorded it though. Here is but one, small piece of the greatness that was April’s P. Fanatics.

Dan Shapiro:

Dan’s next reading is at Shanny Jean Maney’s book release on June 1st. Check it out?

P. Fanatics Presents: Why Would Anyone Want to Go to a Reading?

P. Fanatics Reading Series Presents: Why Would Anyone Want to Go to a Reading?

June 10th
Cole’s Bar
2338 N. Milwaukee
7:30 pm SHARP (in fact, get there early, hang out with us, nab a seat)

Why would anyone want to go to a reading? It’s a valid goddamn question, alright. It’s not like music, ya know. When you go to see a band, when you witness real talent, real joy, that’s one thing. Readings though, those goddamn things, they’re a totally different story…


Dan Shapiro
Stephen Tully Dierks
Roger Bonair-Agard
Tom Simmons
Cassandra Nguyen
Franki Elliot (maybe???)
Chris Bower
Heiko Julien
and hosted by Mason Johnson

With house band Hawiian Death Folk Presents

So go.

Dan Shapiro’s Rigged Open Mic: Role Models

Sunday, May 13th
7:30 pm (open mic sign-up)
Cole’s Bar
2338 N. Milwaukee
hosted by Dan Shapiro (obviously) and Mason Johnson

Hey Bucko, you’re required to attend Dan Shapiro’s Rigged Open Mic, with featured readers Ben Lyon and Janna Sobel.

Dan Shapiro is a piece a work. One weird motherfucker. Everything in his world is backwards. You know how some men hold doors open for women? Well, women hold doors open for Dan.

Dan Shapiro gives burritos diarrhea.

Point in case: you can’t be as awesome as Dan. Sorry. You don’t deserve to smell his farts.

But you can certainly try. Bring your stories, poems, skits—anything with words—and sign up for the goddamn open mic. Try to out-Dan all the other readers. Read something insanely awesome, make a legend of yourself, and, if you’re lucky, people just might like you.

Oh yeah, the weirdest asshole at the open mic will win a prize. Possibly one of them talkin’ fish people hang on their wall. We’re not sure yet. It’ll be pretty awesome though.

Once the open mic is over, we’ll enjoy the writings of Ben Lyon and Janna Sobel, our featured readers. They’re going to give us a nice, thorough, and guaranteed-to-be-awesome lesson on “Role Models.” In other words, they’ll make you feel better about yourself after witnessing the open mic.

Open Mic Details:

MAX TIME OF FIVE MINUTES. You go over and Matt Rowan will manhandle your manhood (or womanhood) off the stage.

Sign-up ends at 7:30. Show up beforehand and find Mason, the man in the cream-colored women’s coat, to sign up.

Your piece does not need to fit the theme of “Role Models,” but it would probably help you win if it did.

The open mic will feature five readers, chosen at random from a hat.


P. Fanatics/Two Cookie April 3rd & 8th

This month, P. Fanatics is teaming up with Two Cookie Minimum to bring you not one, but two shows. Double the fun! Doublemint gum! Can you guys handle the collective sarcasm that is Mason Johnson and Johnny Misift?


Two Cookie Minimum/P. Fanatics
April 3rd
The Hungry Brain, 2319 W Belmont
@ 9:00 pm

Readers include Maggie Ritchie, Laura Szumowski (zoo mouse key press), Dave Snyder, Kieth Rosson (avow zine from Milwaukee), Jill Summers, and Adam Drent. It will be hosted by Johnny and Mason (I like to refer to myself in the third person!), with Dan Shapiro loosening things up at the beginning. Nothing like a tall glass of Shapiro.

No. Really. There’s nothing like it.

P. Fanatics/Two Cookie Minimum
April 8th
Cole’s Bar, 2338 N. Milwaukee

Performers include Lindsay Hunter, Matt Rowan, the father son duo of Fred Sasaki and Fred Sasaki, and musical comedy by Rich Salamander. Mason and Johnny are hosting this shitshow too! Dan will, as always, be opening things up at the beginning. So don’t be late. Oh, Hawaiian Death Folk Presents will be… present… too!


Scrub’s Digest: Know a Busta Newsletter

Scrub’s Digest: Know a Busta Newsletter

Week 46, Justin Jeremy Jones

Why I’m fly:

* My Dad owns a dealership. He lets me test drive all the cars. It’s so cool. I drive at top speed. I’ll pass anyone. I even passed a Mercedes in a Toyota once.

* I dress fly as hell. Polo shirt, golf shorts, backwards cap tilted slightly to the side.

* I was into Insane Clown Posse before anyone. Even Jack White.

* When I go to a restaurant, I always order the most expensive thing on the menu. If I’m at Wendy’s, I’ll get the chicken nuggets AND a burger.

* I go to all the parties.

* I was breastfed… ladies.

* I have a ton of cool friends.

* But I’m the coolest out of, like, all the people I know.

* The ladies love my sense of humor. They say I’m funnier than Dane Cook. Whenever I say something, people say, “Hoo-wee! That’s funny!”

* I do cool shit: I am the king of keg stands. I smoke cigarettes dipped in embalming fluid. I can no longer count to ten, but it’s worth it.

* I get my car washed every day. I get my car washed every day. I get my war cashed every way. I met guy mar mashed every day.

* My friend, Max Adams, you don’t wanna fuck with him. He could kick your ass. He was breastfed as well. You know the puppeteer that does Alf? Max Adams kicked his ass. You know the guy that created Strawberry Shortcake? They had a fistfight at a Weird Al Yankovic concert. Who won? My friend Max.

So in submarine, those are just a few reasons why I’m fly.

by Dan Shapiro with help from Barbara Shapiro. Edited by Mason Johnson

Why is this here? Because I, Mason Johnson, print out a zine every P. Fanatics. This last reading was no different, with one exception: I forgot to hand it out. Yes. I printed a zine, brought it to the bar, and never handed the thing out. I am an idiot.

<3 Mason

P. Fanatics Presents: Hair Reading Recap

Literary Chicago talked about last night’s event a bit, check it out.

My thoughts:

- The Bulls game was, well, an interruption. How was I supposed to predict over a month ago that they’d have a play-off game? It was funny when they’d clap for the Bulls near the end of the game though in that it seemed like they were clapping for Mark Schettler as he read.

- The zine looked really great, partially due in part to Natalie Hurtenbach who designed it. It’ll be up on the internets soon to view in entirety, but here’s sample:

- Dan Shapiro offended a woman so much so that she stopped me later in that night to say, “you really offended me with your Aushwitz joke, it was inappropriate.” When I explained to her that Dan Shapiro and I are not the same person, she replied, “No. No excuses.” I started to say that people are allowed to read whatever they’d like on stage, but she cut me of. “No excuses.”

- The sound sucks in that place. The quality, the volume, all of it. Oddly enough, the sound is best when near the speakers in the very back of the rather large bar. Horrible in the middle, and kinda alright while up front. Nobody was near the stage as everyone read, which really gave the night an odd feeling.

- When I put a finger to my mouth and said, “Shh,” to some young men in back playing pool, they merely looked at me and told me that they don’t speak English. And here I was under the impression that “shh” was universal for “Shut the fuck up, assholes.”

- There was a man with a rottweiler, a very sweet dog. When I asked him if he could please speak softer, he asked, “What?! Why are you telling me to do this?” When I pointed out he was interrupting the reading he said, “Oh, yeah, okay.”

- There were two other men who, when I asked politely that they be quieter, replied, “Why? What are you gonna do? You gonna kick me out?” One was an acquaintance and was joking, we laughed. One was not and intimidated me greatly, but shut up when I replied, “yeeeeaaaaah. I will.”

- All the readers were great. Matt Rowan, Mary Hamiliton, Mairead Case, Ian Jones, Samantha Irby, Mark Schettler, Dan shapiro – everyone. Anything that may have marred their reading was not their fault, but probably mine.

All in all, it was a fun night. This is not the kind of bar you’d expect a reading at, and it shows. The regulars don’t understand. Some do like it though, and it’s rewarding when they seem to enjoy themselves, while others ignore it… loudly. I’m going to seriously think about changing venues in the future.

<3 Mason

P. Fanatics Presents: Hair!

Thursday, April 21st is the next Piss Fanatics reading. The theme is one that is close to my heart: hair. Moe’s Tavern again, so go.

Featuring Mairead Case, Mary Hamilton, Mark Schettler, Matt Rowan, Ian Dick Jones, Dan Shapiro, and Samantha Irby. Hosted by me.

<3 Mason

Read Dan’s Story

The first ever P. Fanatics reading went amazingly last night. More on that later. I just wanted to mention that the story Dan Shapiro opened with is up on Untoward Magazine’s website. It’s hysterical, go read it!

Ray’s Tap Anti-Sex Reading Review by Ian Dick Jones

Ray’s Anti-Sex show was probably the best Ray’s show that there ever was and since nobody in the human race can outdo themselves I’m pretty sure that, because of the topic at hand, this will go down in history as the “Ray’s reading you should have been to.” A Woodstock of its own.

Chris Bower’s opening speech about how his twin brother raped him in the womb, then molecularly combined himself (the twin) with himself (Chris), brought Chris (the host) into this world as 1) already a victim of sexual violence and 2) with nobody but himself to blame was probably not only 1) the funniest and most honest thing Chris will ever say, but 2) the truth about humanity and the disgusting things we do to each other. He then said since it was the Anti-Erotica reading, that we’d get shot if he saw a boner, or smelled a wet vagina. Good job opening up, Chris.


So Mason Johnson Thought He Had Nerves of Steel…

Matt Rowan, who I can totally beat up, just sayin’, wrote a review of Tuesday’s SO YOU THINK YOU HAVE NERVES OF STEEL?

Is it truthful? Accurate? Does he depict me losing miserably at arm wrestling? The answers to these questions and more RIGHT HERE.

Dan Shapiro reffing a match between Jacob Knabb and myself. Photo taken by Matt.